Resumes – What NOT to include

The past three weeks I have spent more time working on my resume than I think I have in my entire lifetime.  What I have learned is that everyone you ask has different ideas on what to put on a resume and it can become a neverending task.  So I took a little break, did some internet research, and came up with a list of some of the challenges of job hunting.  Let’s just say that I will be going back to my resume to make sure I don’t repeat any of these bloopers.

  •  “Service for old man to check they are still alive or not.”
  •  “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
  • “Time is very valuable and it should be always used to achieve optimum results and I believe it should not be played around with.”
  • “I belive that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality…”
  • Candidate included a letter from his mother.
  • Candidate stated the ability to persuade people sexually using her words.
  • Candidate wrote résumé as a play – Act 1, Act 2, etc.
  • Candidate included naked picture of himself.
  • Other Interests: “Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”.
  • “One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border”
  • Why Interested in Position: “to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail”
  • A woman had attached a picture of herself in a mini mouse costume
  • Under “job related skills” – for a web designer – “can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet”.
  • Objective: “career on the Information Supper Highway”
  • Experience: “Stalking, shipping & receiving”
  • A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com
  • Achievements: “Nominated for prom queen”
  • a resume printed on the back of the person’s current employer’s letterhead.
  • A resume… had several grease stains and a smudge of chocolate on it
  • Hobbies: “Having a good time”
  • Candidate explained a gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for three months.
  • Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.”
  • Candidate included family medical history.
  •  “nine-page cover letter accompanied by a four-page résumé”
  • “One applicant tried to make an impression by using four different fonts, three ink colors and a variety of highlighting options on her résumé”
  • “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
  • It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
  • “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
  •  “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”
  • “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
  • “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
  • “I am loyal to my employer at all costs..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
  • Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.”
  • Objective: “To hopefully associate with a millionaire one day.”
  • Qualifications: “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
  • Objective: “I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup.”
  • Salary requirements: “The higher the better.”
  • Salary desired: “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”
  • Bad traits: “I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.”
  • References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.”
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