A Well-Planned Retirement

Subject: A well-planned retirement

From The London Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars 1 pound (about $1.40) and coaches 5 (about $7). This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn’t turn up for work.

“Oh well”, said Bristol Zoo Management, “we’d better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant…”

“Er… no”, said the Council, “that parking lot is your responsibility.”

“Er… no”, said Bristol Zoo management, “the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn’t he?”

“Er… NO!” insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at 400 pounds (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 3.6 million pounds ($7 million).

And no one even knows his name.

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A Dog’s Rules

My dog, Moar (pronounced mow-r), is such a sweet guy – except when it rains or storms.  Then he turns into a mini-tornado in the house until we let him out to situate himself flat on the ground with his nose pointed towards the storm and his ears perked forward listening for thunder.  When we finally coax him into the house (for fear he will be electrocuted or hit by hail), he runs from window to window tracking the progress of the storm.  In fact, Moar only stops when he hears his name mentioned on TV.  Yep, Moar is a Gary England fan (for any non-Okies out there, Gary is the News 9 Chief Meteorologist and, in my opinion, one of the most famous and most accurate of meteorologists anywhere) and if Moar could talk he would say that Gary must be a fan of his as well.  During storms Gary has a phrase that he says often “. . .and if we take a look at MOAR. . .”  No, Gary isn’t talking about flashing pictures of my dog up during severe weather, although my dog is cute enough for TV.  Moar – the dog – was named after MOAR – the weather radar.  It made sense at the time since my husband is a storm chaser.  So what does this story have to do with Funny Friday?  Absolutely nothing, but it gave me an excuse to post a picture of my dog on today’s post.


Dog Rules:
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.



 


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The Christian Bear

The Christian Bear

There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead. He was out in the bush when he was aproched from behind by a bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didn’t bother to pick it up.

That was a huge mistake, the man realized, when he ran into a hungry bear in the woods. He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he triped over its root. He looked up and the bear looked down. When the bear was about to strike at him, the man put his hands together and prayed:

“Dear lord, Please let this bear be a Christian.”

There was a flash of lightening and a clap of thunder. Suddenly the bear sat down on it’s bum (on the man), reverently folded his hands and bowed his head, closed his eyes and said: “Dear lord, Thank you for the food that I am about to recieve”

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Hey, is that a real tax deduction?

Hey, is that a real tax deduction?

Most of us have or are going to finish up our taxes in the next few days. And lets not forget all the talk about taxes going on with our presidential hopefuls. I thought for this Funny Friday I would get in the act as well and list some actual tax deductions people have tried to claim. I wouldn’t recommend using these without the help of a professional!

** One tax customer reported, “Several years ago, I was going to owe some tax, so I put an extra deduction on my tax return. I put my dog on as a dependent.” The customer had deducted his dog Red all these years, allowing him to escape owing the IRS on those particular returns. But, unfortunately for this customer and all other pet owners, claiming a dog or cat or any other furry family member is definitely disallowed by the tax laws.

** A Pittsburgh furniture-store owner who, after years of trying unsuccessfully to sell his business, hired an arsonist to torch the place. The insurance company paid off to the tune of $500,000, which the owner dutifully reported on his income tax return. However, along with taking the proper deductions for the building, its contents and the usual business expenses, he also deducted a $10,000 “consulting fee” he had paid the arsonist. An IRS audit two years later landed them both in jail. The IRS disallowed the “consulting fee” and slapped on $6,500 in additional taxes, penalties and interest.

** A call from an ostrich farmer to a tax hotline asked how to go about depreciating an ostrich. Strange as it sounds, you can depreciate an ostrich or any other livestock, as long as it’s used for breeding.

** One person wanted to know if he could deduct the cost of his dog food. His reasoning was that his dog was security for his house; therefore the dog food became a security expense.

** An older gentleman had accidentally lost his dentures when they fell in the toilet and had claimed them on his taxes as an act-of-God casualty loss.

** There is one individual who tried to deduct a day care expense for their dog. The person was working and they didn’t feel that the dog should be left alone, so they hired somebody to watch the dog, then tried to take a day care tax credit for the doggy-sitting. The dog clearly was an economic dependent, but not for tax purposes.

** A landscaper who was under audit with the IRS had deducted the expense of their dog because he would pull the wagon on landscaping jobs. They felt he was out there helping. He may have been listed as an independent contractor.

** An Amish Amish guy tried to take a deduction for his buggy with velvet interior, the whole works. It was tricked out. He was legitimately Amish, but with all the accouterments on this buggy. How pimped out was his ride? According to the receipt, this baby came equipped with dash lights, kick plates, tinted windshield, speedometer, hydraulic brakes and dimmer switches. The standard buggy costs $2,675; this pimped-out version ran $3,540.

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The Real Story of the Three Bears

I

have decided to add another element to my blog so that you, my loyal readers (thanks Mom), can look forward to a particular day of the week and my postings.  I will be calling this day “Funny Friday” and will try to write or post a funny story or joke.

For my first post, I want you all to know that I did not write this.  I had this sent to me a long time ago and just stumbled upon it again.  So please enjoy the laugh (I did), but although I wish I were this clever I really wasn’t and I want to be sure I told you all that up front.

The True Story of the 3 Bears 

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning….

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

‘Who’s been eating my porridge?’  he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

‘Who’s been eating my porridge?!?’ he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

‘For goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the table.’

‘It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat’s litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.’

‘And now that you’ve decided to drag yourselves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once….’

‘I HAVEN’T MADE THE FREAKIN’ PORRIDGE YET, SO GET OVER IT!”

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