A Well-Planned Retirement

Subject: A well-planned retirement

From The London Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars 1 pound (about $1.40) and coaches 5 (about $7). This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn’t turn up for work.

“Oh well”, said Bristol Zoo Management, “we’d better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant…”

“Er… no”, said the Council, “that parking lot is your responsibility.”

“Er… no”, said Bristol Zoo management, “the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn’t he?”

“Er… NO!” insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at 400 pounds (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 3.6 million pounds ($7 million).

And no one even knows his name.

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A Dog’s Rules

My dog, Moar (pronounced mow-r), is such a sweet guy – except when it rains or storms.  Then he turns into a mini-tornado in the house until we let him out to situate himself flat on the ground with his nose pointed towards the storm and his ears perked forward listening for thunder.  When we finally coax him into the house (for fear he will be electrocuted or hit by hail), he runs from window to window tracking the progress of the storm.  In fact, Moar only stops when he hears his name mentioned on TV.  Yep, Moar is a Gary England fan (for any non-Okies out there, Gary is the News 9 Chief Meteorologist and, in my opinion, one of the most famous and most accurate of meteorologists anywhere) and if Moar could talk he would say that Gary must be a fan of his as well.  During storms Gary has a phrase that he says often “. . .and if we take a look at MOAR. . .”  No, Gary isn’t talking about flashing pictures of my dog up during severe weather, although my dog is cute enough for TV.  Moar – the dog – was named after MOAR – the weather radar.  It made sense at the time since my husband is a storm chaser.  So what does this story have to do with Funny Friday?  Absolutely nothing, but it gave me an excuse to post a picture of my dog on today’s post.


Dog Rules:
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.



 


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The Christian Bear

The Christian Bear

There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead. He was out in the bush when he was aproched from behind by a bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didn’t bother to pick it up.

That was a huge mistake, the man realized, when he ran into a hungry bear in the woods. He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he triped over its root. He looked up and the bear looked down. When the bear was about to strike at him, the man put his hands together and prayed:

“Dear lord, Please let this bear be a Christian.”

There was a flash of lightening and a clap of thunder. Suddenly the bear sat down on it’s bum (on the man), reverently folded his hands and bowed his head, closed his eyes and said: “Dear lord, Thank you for the food that I am about to recieve”

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Hey, is that a real tax deduction?

Hey, is that a real tax deduction?

Most of us have or are going to finish up our taxes in the next few days. And lets not forget all the talk about taxes going on with our presidential hopefuls. I thought for this Funny Friday I would get in the act as well and list some actual tax deductions people have tried to claim. I wouldn’t recommend using these without the help of a professional!

** One tax customer reported, “Several years ago, I was going to owe some tax, so I put an extra deduction on my tax return. I put my dog on as a dependent.” The customer had deducted his dog Red all these years, allowing him to escape owing the IRS on those particular returns. But, unfortunately for this customer and all other pet owners, claiming a dog or cat or any other furry family member is definitely disallowed by the tax laws.

** A Pittsburgh furniture-store owner who, after years of trying unsuccessfully to sell his business, hired an arsonist to torch the place. The insurance company paid off to the tune of $500,000, which the owner dutifully reported on his income tax return. However, along with taking the proper deductions for the building, its contents and the usual business expenses, he also deducted a $10,000 “consulting fee” he had paid the arsonist. An IRS audit two years later landed them both in jail. The IRS disallowed the “consulting fee” and slapped on $6,500 in additional taxes, penalties and interest.

** A call from an ostrich farmer to a tax hotline asked how to go about depreciating an ostrich. Strange as it sounds, you can depreciate an ostrich or any other livestock, as long as it’s used for breeding.

** One person wanted to know if he could deduct the cost of his dog food. His reasoning was that his dog was security for his house; therefore the dog food became a security expense.

** An older gentleman had accidentally lost his dentures when they fell in the toilet and had claimed them on his taxes as an act-of-God casualty loss.

** There is one individual who tried to deduct a day care expense for their dog. The person was working and they didn’t feel that the dog should be left alone, so they hired somebody to watch the dog, then tried to take a day care tax credit for the doggy-sitting. The dog clearly was an economic dependent, but not for tax purposes.

** A landscaper who was under audit with the IRS had deducted the expense of their dog because he would pull the wagon on landscaping jobs. They felt he was out there helping. He may have been listed as an independent contractor.

** An Amish Amish guy tried to take a deduction for his buggy with velvet interior, the whole works. It was tricked out. He was legitimately Amish, but with all the accouterments on this buggy. How pimped out was his ride? According to the receipt, this baby came equipped with dash lights, kick plates, tinted windshield, speedometer, hydraulic brakes and dimmer switches. The standard buggy costs $2,675; this pimped-out version ran $3,540.

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The Real Story of the Three Bears

I

have decided to add another element to my blog so that you, my loyal readers (thanks Mom), can look forward to a particular day of the week and my postings.  I will be calling this day “Funny Friday” and will try to write or post a funny story or joke.

For my first post, I want you all to know that I did not write this.  I had this sent to me a long time ago and just stumbled upon it again.  So please enjoy the laugh (I did), but although I wish I were this clever I really wasn’t and I want to be sure I told you all that up front.

The True Story of the 3 Bears 

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning….

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

‘Who’s been eating my porridge?’  he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

‘Who’s been eating my porridge?!?’ he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

‘For goodness sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the table.’

‘It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat’s litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.’

‘And now that you’ve decided to drag yourselves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once….’

‘I HAVEN’T MADE THE FREAKIN’ PORRIDGE YET, SO GET OVER IT!”

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Resumes – What NOT to include

The past three weeks I have spent more time working on my resume than I think I have in my entire lifetime.  What I have learned is that everyone you ask has different ideas on what to put on a resume and it can become a neverending task.  So I took a little break, did some internet research, and came up with a list of some of the challenges of job hunting.  Let’s just say that I will be going back to my resume to make sure I don’t repeat any of these bloopers.

  •  “Service for old man to check they are still alive or not.”
  •  “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
  • “Time is very valuable and it should be always used to achieve optimum results and I believe it should not be played around with.”
  • “I belive that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality…”
  • Candidate included a letter from his mother.
  • Candidate stated the ability to persuade people sexually using her words.
  • Candidate wrote résumé as a play – Act 1, Act 2, etc.
  • Candidate included naked picture of himself.
  • Other Interests: “Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”.
  • “One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border”
  • Why Interested in Position: “to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail”
  • A woman had attached a picture of herself in a mini mouse costume
  • Under “job related skills” – for a web designer – “can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet”.
  • Objective: “career on the Information Supper Highway”
  • Experience: “Stalking, shipping & receiving”
  • A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com
  • Achievements: “Nominated for prom queen”
  • a resume printed on the back of the person’s current employer’s letterhead.
  • A resume… had several grease stains and a smudge of chocolate on it
  • Hobbies: “Having a good time”
  • Candidate explained a gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for three months.
  • Candidate explained an arrest by stating, “We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig.”
  • Candidate included family medical history.
  •  “nine-page cover letter accompanied by a four-page résumé”
  • “One applicant tried to make an impression by using four different fonts, three ink colors and a variety of highlighting options on her résumé”
  • “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
  • It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
  • “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
  •  “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.”
  • “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
  • “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
  • “I am loyal to my employer at all costs..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
  • Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.”
  • Objective: “To hopefully associate with a millionaire one day.”
  • Qualifications: “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
  • Objective: “I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup.”
  • Salary requirements: “The higher the better.”
  • Salary desired: “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”
  • Bad traits: “I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.”
  • References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.”
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